"How do you know when you’re pushing someone too far? Or, how about when a person seems genial and cooperative, but later changes his or her mind? How do you respond when you think you’ve been helpful and that the suggestions you offered were taken gratefully – and later find out that the person thought you were “cramming your opinions” down their throat?

Top persuaders in the sales and motivational fields have found that one of the most effective was to persuade an individual is through well thought out QUESTIONS. Understanding that, to many people, authority figures come off as intimidating. This is why they might seem agreeable to your suggestions when you’re present and later, complain that you were pushy and bothersome. This is where well thought out questions come into play.

Most people feel like their opinions aren’t asked often enough and that they don’t have enough opportunities to be listened to, or to think out loud. This is where you come in as providing for the basic need for a sounding board, which is warm and empathetic. You ask their opinions, listen and offer helpful insights, helping them to clarify their thoughts and desires.

As a minister, I frequently am in situations where people are concerned about their own spirituality. They need to sort out their feelings, resolve inner issues and come to a place where they feel at peace with themselves and their God. When I’m speaking at a school or function where I’m representing an organization other than the church where I’m the Pastor, I have to stick within the guidelines of the situation. Yet. I have to remain faithful to my calling and conscience.

This is where the technique of questioning comes into play. There are two basic kinds of questions:  closed and open.  Closed questions are questions that can be answered with a “yes,” “no” or “I don’t know.” These are employed to get a quick response, and to keep the conversation short. Closed questions don’t get the person to “open up”.

Open questions, on the other hand, are designed specifically to get a person to share his or her feelings and opinions. Open questions can’t be answered with one or two word answers. These questions take a little more thought for you as the persuader than closed questions.

When you’re wanting to engage in a conversation with someone who’s convalescing after surgery, you might want to as, “Mrs. Smith, tell me… what are some of your thoughts about having grandchildren in the room right after surgery?”

If you don’t feel like spending the afternoon listening to hospital anecdotes involving grandchildren, you might ask, “Are you feeling better, Mrs. Smith?”

To avoid sounding like an interrogator, you want to use what I call “softeners.” These are introductory phrases to your questions. Phrases like, “I’m curious,…” “I’m wondering,…; I’ve been thinking,…After these softeners a question sounds less threatening. They indicate that there’s no wrong answers to the question being asked.

For example, a person who knows you’re a minister might approach you and say he doesn’t feel right with God. Instead of telling what he needs to do and how he needs to do it, a more sensitive approach might be:

“You said you don’t think you’re right with God. I’m curious, John, what do you mean by that?”

John: “I did a lot of wrong things when I was a kid, and I’ve stolen things from my job. I’ve been mean to my wife. I dunno, I just haven’t been the kind of person I ought to be.”

“What do you feel you need to do, John, to clear the air between you and God?”

John: I’m not sure. I just need to do something.”

“Where do you suppose a goo place to start would be? ( Here, a low a pause to give him time to answer if he wants to.) Prayer?”

John: “Yeah, maybe so, but I’m not too good at praying.”

“Would you like it if I prayed with you  (pause) and maybe after I pray, turn it over to you to pray and sort of clear the air with God?”

John: “Yeah, sure. But I just don’t think I can pray out loud.”

“Ok, would you be comfortable if I pray and then, when I turn over to you, if you pray silently and, say, squeeze my hand when you’re through?”

John: “Yeah, I’d like that.”

In this example, we haven’t told John what to do, we’ve simply guided him through his own thoughts, and helped him to get his spiritual needs met in a way that he senses they need to be met. Even later, he won’t feel like he’s been talked into something he wasn’t ready for, or that he was told what to do.

Or, you’re in a conversation with Mary. She knows you’re a minister, and that brings thoughts of religion to her mind. She’s not very religious, and is a little comfortable talking about religion.

But, she feels a need to explore a need to explore with someone who knows a little more about it than she does.  She’s says testily: “So, you’re a reverend. I’m not too religious, Never have been. Like, I believe in God and all that, but I don’t go to church or anything. I’ve just been having thoughts about all that stuff lately. I don’t know if it’s all real.”

“I’m wondering, Mary, what are some of your feelings when you think about God and life spiritual stuff?”

(When you ask this, LISTEN and don’t interrupt!)

“You’ve made some good points, Mary. You sound like you’ve done more thinking about spiritual things than you give yourself credit for. You mentioned that your grandmother seems to really know God. Could you imagine yourself knowing Him like your grandmother does?”

No matter what she says, she’s ready for this next question: “If you DID have a relationship with Him like the one you describe your grandmother as having, how do you think your life would be different?” (Again, LISTEN! Don’t interrupt or rush her along!)

“That sounds like the kind of life of ANYBODY would want, doesn’t it? What would have to happen for you to be able to live like that?”

When you ask a question of this type, she’ll tell you what the real issues and concerns are. Then, using more open questions, you can help her come to resolution.

Sometimes a minister or chaplain will run into people from evangelical backgrounds who want to commit themselves to the lord right away. If you aren’t able to assist the inquirer in that kind of commitment, then you’ll probably hear about it later. “I needed help, but that so-called minister wouldn’t give me any. Couldn’t even lead me to the Lord!”

Again, questions are the answer. You’re in conversation and the area of spirituality comes up. Robert says he was brought up in church but kind of got away from it. He’s messed up his life quite a bit and he thinks God’s trying to get his attention.
“Robert, you’ve gotten my interest! I’m wondering, if God DID get your attention, what do you think He’d want to tell you next?”

"That I need to get right with Him – that I ought to change my ways.”

Do you suppose He’d have some specific things in mind when it comes to getting right with Him and changing your ways?”

Noted: This is a closed question, a yes or no question. You’re not prying!

“What do you imagine He’d want you to do at this point towards making things right?”

Robert might say anything from calling his mother to apologize for how he treated her, to saying he needs to get on his knees right here and now and pray.

“Robert, it sounds like God HAS gotten your attention, and you’re pretty sure of what you need to do… Is there anything you’d like for ME to do, to make it easier for you?

Sometimes he’ll say “no,” other times, he might ask you to call his mother for him, and, you’d do well to be prepared to get on your knees side him, while he prays. But, whatever it is, remember that your role as a caring communicator is to help Robert discover what it is that he really feels he needs to do, and then help him to do it. That’s all.

Asking questions well doesn’t come automatically. We all want to talk and tell. But, if you learn to ask questions naturally in a caring way, you’ll set yourself apart from the “know it all’s”, the “preachers”, the “aloof exerts” and other ineffective so-called “people helpers”. Instead, you’ll be a person who makes a difference in the lives of the people around you, and as, a questioner, you might even learn something in the process!